Regrets From A Moron

"I'm retarded."

If you’ve read anything on this blog before, you’ve realized I’m an idiot. I have a lot of interests that are in all honesty pretty easy, and really fun, to write about but this isn’t the place online to find a news scoop or the debut of a new indie song. It’s nice having a blog where I am the one who chooses what to write about, but even in those circumstances I can be seriously retarded. But think of it this way, I am currently the smartest I have ever been in my entire life. Meaning, if you read something on here and thought “Wow this guy is a real doofus” I have literally said millions of doofus-ier things in my life. That doofus comment you’d be referring to was the culmination of years of schooling (public education schooling, but schooling nonetheless) and two decades of life experience. Well, more like two decades of watching TV but every time anyone says a word that point is the point in their life when they have all the knowledge they have ever had. Follow me?

Most things slide off my back, though. I know that I’m uncoordinated, annoying, arrogant, and an all around dope a lot of the time. But one thing still sends me plummeting into the depths of humiliation.

A friend of mine recently asked me if I could change my senior quote, would I? Abso-freakin’-lutely. In fact, if I could go back in time it wouldn’t be to save JFK or prevent the stock market crash in 1929, it would be to slap myself in the face before I submitted “The Flub That Will Live In Infamy” to the class of ’08 yearbook staff.

But let’s all get on the same page. My senior quote was taken from a lyric by the Dropkick Murphys, an Irish punk band. Brace yourself.

“It’s another murderous night/Another left hook from hell/A bloody war on the boardwalk/And the kid from Lowell rises to the bell.”

Okay. First of all, I have no idea where Lowell is, probably somewhere in Massachussetts, but who cares. Second, this is in no way relevant to me, my friends, or anything about my high school experience. Third, the song its taken from (“The Warrior’s Code”) peels paint of the walls, but in print that’s nothing but a clunky lyric. None of that matters anymore, has long since been ruined for me.

My biggest concern is why having a stupid senior quote is still on my mind. I should be worried about getting a real job and about how I’m flat broke, right? Wrong. Everyone is an idiot in high school. Try talking to a high school student, it’s unbearable. But for me, this stupid quote about the guy Marky Mark played in The Fighter is tangible proof of my idiocy. It’s kind of like when people get arrested for bragging about breaking the law on Facebook, only no one will ever care about this dilemma I’m in.

Also, everyone loves a good quote. Whether it’s a Dirty Harry line or some straight up cheese from Taylor Swift, it’s fun to pretend like they matter. I could have been so much cooler, I want my 12th grade self to discover Louis CK and to fight to make it okay for one of his jokes to be next to my face. I probably hear a joke, song, or movie dialogue once every month and think to myself, “Damn, that one would’ve been so much better.” Better yet, I could’ve used one from Seinfeld, or something from Dumb & Dumber. I’ll probably regret this whole blog within a week.

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